Jeffy Says

The cake was supposed to read “Best of Luck Jeff”...

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 11:37:27 -0500

The cake was supposed to read “Best of Luck Jeff” (and I’m sure there’s probably supposed to be a comma in there as well). Instead, Jeff go the best of our love.

I gave Jeff my own personal going away gift: a copy of Kurt Vonnegut Jr.’s Welcome to the Monkey House. On the last page of my favorite story - “EPICAC” - I wrote:

Jeff,
I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I did; it’s my favorite one in the book.

Please don’t be upset as it was done all in good fun and with no ill will, but for the past year or so, I’ve been chronicling your “Jeffisms” at http://jeffysays.tumblr.com. I hope you can get some laughs out of it.

We’ll miss you at [company name].

-Marcela

Sad News

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 08:53:33 -0500

Jeff has decided to leave the company. His last day is January 28, 2009. Don’t worry, If he says or does anything Jeffy in the meantime, I will be sure to report it here. After that, it’ll probably just be full-on radio silence.

Jeff: In a lot of essences-

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 09:09:50 -0500

Jeff: In a lot of essences-
me: In a lot of essences?!
Jeff: Ok, that was wrong.
me [cracking up laughing]: No, that was awesome.

Jeff (regarding a microwaveable meal with curiosity and concern): I wonder if this will be ok in the microwave.

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 11:45:25 -0500

Jeff (regarding a microwaveable meal with curiosity and concern): I wonder if this will be ok in the microwave.
me: Jeff, it's a microwaveable meal. It's intended to be prepared in a microwave.
Jeff: Yeah, but some stuff is better done in an oven.
me: Sure, anything is better than microwaved, but this is made for the microwave.
Jeff: I dunno, I think some things are actually better in a microwave.
me: Really? Like what?
Jeff: Like soup!
me: Uhh ...
Jeff: I mean, you're not gonna bake soup in an oven, right?
me: ... no, but you could cook it on the stove.
Jeff: Oh, yeah... right.

Jeffy finds that playing games helps the day go by faster.

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 11:27:24 -0500

Jeff [holding some form of citrus in his hand]: Orange or grapefruit?
me: Orange.
Jeff: Orange or grapefruit?
me: Still going with orange.
Jeff: Well, it's neither.
me: Oh, is it a pomelo?
Jeff: Yup! What is that anyway; like a mix?
me: I dunno, but that was a trick question.
Jeff [walks up to coworker]: Orange or grapefruit? [scene repeats]

My coworker took the liberty of decorating Jeff’s desk.

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 09:33:00 -0500

My coworker took the liberty of decorating Jeff’s desk.

me: ::looking, horrified, at frozen microwaveable meal just...

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 11:25:49 -0400

me: ::looking, horrified, at frozen microwaveable meal just sitting, wrapper removed, on Jeff’s desk::

Jeff: Oh, I’m just letting it thaw out.

me: That’s what the microwave is for…

Jeff, on the origins of a mysterious stain on the carpet by his desk

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 16:24:47 -0400

Jeff: lubricant. for the up and down.
everyone in the office: ::laughs::
Jeff: you guys are sick

"Back here, we eat day-old popcorn all the time."

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 16:00:44 -0400

“Back here, we eat day-old popcorn all the time.”

- Jeff, speaking for all of us and getting it wrong.

If you’re wondering what Jeff’s birthday lunch was, it was a frozen waffle with habaero hot sauce. I...

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:14:24 -0400

If you’re wondering what Jeff’s birthday lunch was, it was a frozen waffle with habaero hot sauce. I wish I was joking.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEFF!

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:56:05 -0400

Jeff turned 37 today! If you could give Jeff a birthday gift, what would it be? I would give him a coconut and a spoon.

Where is Bob?

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 08:27:25 -0400

Where is Bob?:

If you like Jeffy Says, you’ll love Where is Bob?

In his defense, he did take a sick day on Monday.

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 08:45:19 -0400

Boss: How you doing, Jeff?
Jeff: Fine. As good as can be expected on a Wednesday.
me: Jeff, it's Thursday.

"A bazillion would be more along the lines of a thousand."

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 08:46:10 -0400

“A bazillion would be more along the lines of a thousand.”

- Jeff, not quite grasping the concept of hyperbole

"It’s the best way to go. Everything’s right there. You don’t need to dig in to something."

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 15:20:14 -0400

“It’s the best way to go. Everything’s right there. You don’t need to dig in to something.”

- Jeff, rationalizing his eating of popcorn off a piece of printer paper

Insert Finnish/finished pun here

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 15:32:37 -0400

product manager [talking about a news story about coffee being good for you]: The study came from Helsinki.
Jeff: Is that a health news aggregator?
Me: [horrified stare]

I seriously debated posting this one, but c'mon, how have you not heard of Fandango?!

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 16:40:09 -0400

Jeff: I might go down there and try to get tickets for sometime this weekend.
me: Why don't you just use Fandango instead of driving all the way out there?
Jeff: What's Fandango? I've never heard of that.
me: Have you also never been to a movie theater where they advertise it?

"I’m neither proud nor ashamed of it. It’s just a fact of life."

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 10:41:14 -0400

“I’m neither proud nor ashamed of it. It’s just a fact of life.”

- Jeff, upon admitting that he has not brushed his hair in 5 or 6 years

This site is getting a little bit meta

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 10:10:45 -0400

former coworker: btw need more jeffy
me: I know I know, he hasn't said anything tumble-worthy lately. There was an incident where he burned some almonds while trying to toast them in the toaster oven ... dunno how to translate it to the site, though
former coworker: hahahahaha just like that. You need a picture though.
me: no picture, just a vague memory of the smell.

"My legs are in pain. It’s probably the lack of caffeine."

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 09:11:43 -0400

“My legs are in pain. It’s probably the lack of caffeine.”

- Jeff, always a patient, never a doctor