February 2009
1 post
January 2009
2 posts
Sad News
Jeff has decided to leave the company. His last day is January 28, 2009. Don’t worry, If he says or does anything Jeffy in the meantime, I will be sure to report it here. After that, it’ll probably just be full-on radio silence.
Jeff: In a lot of essences-
me: In a lot of essences?!
Jeff: Ok, that was wrong.
me [cracking up laughing]: No, that was awesome.
December 2008
3 posts
1 tag
Jeff (regarding a microwaveable meal with curiosity and concern): I wonder if this will be ok in the microwave.
me: Jeff, it's a microwaveable meal. It's intended to be prepared in a microwave.
Jeff: Yeah, but some stuff is better done in an oven.
me: Sure, anything is better than microwaved, but this is made for the microwave.
Jeff: I dunno, I think some things are actually better in a microwave.
me: Really? Like what?
Jeff: Like soup!
me: Uhh ...
Jeff: I mean, you're not gonna bake soup in an oven, right?
me: ... no, but you could cook it on the stove.
Jeff: Oh, yeah... right.
1 tag
Jeffy finds that playing games helps the day go by...
Jeff [holding some form of citrus in his hand]: Orange or grapefruit?
me: Orange.
Jeff: Orange or grapefruit?
me: Still going with orange.
Jeff: Well, it's neither.
me: Oh, is it a pomelo?
Jeff: Yup! What is that anyway; like a mix?
me: I dunno, but that was a trick question.
Jeff [walks up to coworker]: Orange or grapefruit? [scene repeats]
September 2008
3 posts
1 tag
Jeff, on the origins of a mysterious stain on the...
Jeff: lubricant. for the up and down.
everyone in the office: ::laughs::
Jeff: you guys are sick
1 tag
“Back here, we eat day-old popcorn all the time.”
– Jeff, speaking for all of us and getting it wrong.
August 2008
5 posts
1 tag
If you’re wondering what Jeff’s birthday lunch was, it was a frozen waffle with habaero hot sauce. I wish I was joking.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEFF!
Jeff turned 37 today! If you could give Jeff a birthday gift, what would it be? I would give him a coconut and a spoon.
Where is Bob? →
If you like Jeffy Says, you’ll love Where is Bob?
In his defense, he did take a sick day on Monday.
Boss: How you doing, Jeff?
Jeff: Fine. As good as can be expected on a Wednesday.
me: Jeff, it's Thursday.
“A bazillion would be more along the lines of a thousand.”
– Jeff, not quite grasping the concept of hyperbole
July 2008
6 posts
1 tag
“It’s the best way to go. Everything’s right there. You don’t need to dig in to...”
– Jeff, rationalizing his eating of popcorn off a piece of printer paper
Insert Finnish/finished pun here
product manager [talking about a news story about coffee being good for you]: The study came from Helsinki.
Jeff: Is that a health news aggregator?
Me: [horrified stare]
I seriously debated posting this one, but c'mon,...
Jeff: I might go down there and try to get tickets for sometime this weekend.
me: Why don't you just use Fandango instead of driving all the way out there?
Jeff: What's Fandango? I've never heard of that.
me: Have you also never been to a movie theater where they advertise it?
“I’m neither proud nor ashamed of it. It’s just a fact of life.”
– Jeff, upon admitting that he has not brushed his hair in 5 or 6 years
This site is getting a little bit meta
former coworker: btw need more jeffy
me: I know I know, he hasn't said anything tumble-worthy lately. There was an incident where he burned some almonds while trying to toast them in the toaster oven ... dunno how to translate it to the site, though
former coworker: hahahahaha just like that. You need a picture though.
me: no picture, just a vague memory of the smell.
“My legs are in pain. It’s probably the lack of caffeine.”
– Jeff, always a patient, never a doctor
June 2008
8 posts
1 tag
Jeffy Eats
His lunch today was a bowl of grits and raspberries.
“I am my own utensil.”
– Jeff, breaking me of my will to live
1 tag
“Green beans don’t really require utensils. It’s like eating a candy bar with a...”
– Jeff, eating a bowl of green beans with his fingers and writing chapter one of his table manners book.
1 tag
The perfect lunch?
Sitting on Jeff’s desk right now:
a lime
a plastic spoon
a plastic knife
I cannot wait to find out what wonderous plans he has for these items.
Jeff asks me to walk a mile in his shoes. I...
co-worker: I'm sure even M has seen it.
me (hearing my name and taking off my headphones): Huh, what?
Jeff: Have you seen Elf?
me: yeah ... a long time ago.
co-worker: It's full of sophomoric humor, but it's fun to have a couple of drinks and watch it around Christmas time.
Jeff: Oh, it's a Christmas thing?
me: Jeff! It's about an Elf leaving the North Pole ... what did you think it was about?
Jeff: I dunno, I guess there's nothing else it could be about.
me: I'm so confused right now.
Jeff: how do you think I feel?
me: I can't even imagine.
“Is a jellyfish a plant or an animal?”
– Jeff, wondering aloud about one of nature’s more elusive creatures
Does this authorize me to add "Financial Advisor"...
Jeff: Hey, M. Can I ask you a question?
Me (assuming he's asking me about a project we're working on together): Sure, what's up?
Jeff: I ran out of checks.
Me: ::blank stare as I attempt to process how this has anything to do with programming::
Jeff: How should I pay my rent this month? Do you think they'll take a money order?
Me: Yeah ... that should be fine.
“I know so little about zombies.”
– Jeff, striking me speechless
May 2008
7 posts
“I have a rotten banana at home.”
– Jeff, demonstrating how a single sentence, when taken out of context, can be at once hilarious and disturbing.
“What’s with all the Indiana Jones stuff? Are they like bringing it back to...”
– Jeff, crawling out from under his rock to ask a valid question
His goto defense.
Jeff (talking about the string of recent natural disasters): We're doing things to the environment that causes things to happen.
Co-worker: Jeff, I don't think we could have caused the earthquake in China.
Jeff: Probably not, but we don't know everything.
He said he wanted to make sure that WE knew that...
Boss: So, when's your [dance] recital?
Me: Sometime between now and next year.
Co-worker: Ah, so February 30th, then?
Me: Sounds about right.
Jeff: A day that doesn't exist.
“Ever notice how a walnut looks like a chicken?”
– Jeff, asking a typical Jeff question
“What’s the gist (pronouncing the “g” as in...”
– Jeff, guessing on how to pronounce the word “gist”
“How about your ears? When you push in on them, does it hurt?”
– Dr. Jeff, diagnosing a patient
April 2008
24 posts
1 tag
This isn't a quote, but ...
Today, his breakfast was corn. Still on the cob … and in the husk.
This actually took place in a meeting with the VP...
Product Manager [talking about a service that would convert e-mail to fax and vice versa]: We can probably find a third-party product to -
Jeff [interrupting with a chuckle]: I'm sorry
Product Manager: What's up?
Jeff: I was just laughing because ever since you started talking about faxes, I've had that Vonage song stuck in my head.
Co-worker [regarding him with wonder and amazement]: Wow, it's like a circus in there, isn't it?
It's not like he just walked up in the middle of...
co-worker [discussing this radio bit - http: //monsters.fm/pages/roadkill.html]: I saw Drunky the Bear on Lee road today.
me: awesome, was he riding the horse?
co-worker: Yeah, and he was wearing the bear suit.
me: what kind of roadkill was he picking up?
co-worker: I couldn't see.
Jeff: Is this a volunteer position or a government job?
“What would be interesting is if we went back in time.”
– Jeff, stating the obvious while trying to track down a bug in our code
“I’m missing a button on my shirt. So, sorry if you see my belly button...”
– Jeff, giving us a heads up
1 tag
“I just can’t do octopus. It’s too human-like.”
– Jeff, missing out on one of the finer points of Japanese cuisine
I thought that kind of thing only happened in bad...
co-worker [hanging up cell]: That was [boss], he just pulled up to the office building, but realized he left his laptop at home, so he's turning around now.
me: oh man, that's like when I would get to high school and realize I left my notebook at home.
Jeff: or when you'd show up wearing one shoe on one foot and a different one on the other.
me [laughing]: hah, yeah.
Jeff: yeah, that actually happened to me.
“The best time to floss is while watching TV.”
– Jeff, on dental hygiene
“Do you remember a store that used to just sell soda?”
– Jeff, on the simplicity of the olden days
1 tag
“Can I have two waters?”
– Jeff, hedging his bets at the Thai restaurant
“It’s a sad fact of life: we just don’t break out the vacuum as often...”
– Jeff, giving me more reason to be afraid of stepping foot inside his apartment
1 tag
I can almost see how he'd be confused
Me: [explaining the plot of The Phantom Tollbooth] So this kid is home and he's all bored and all of a sudden, this huge box drops into his house and when it opens up, there's a tollbooth inside.
Jeff: Ohhh, so now he can make phone calls to anyone he wants?
Me: [blank stare]
“It’s not the tomatoes that will give you heartburn. It’s the pasta.”
– Jeff, on the human gastrointestinal system
“It’s what I do. It’s my stick [sic].”
– Jeff, demonstrating his proficiency in Yiddish